Struggle
by Diporae
Summary: Raphril 2k12 'verse. Ever since they fled New York Raphael has been struggling with his feelings. Inspired by the end of "Race with the Demon."


**A/N Ok, so like everyone else who is a Raphril shipper the last 2k12 'verse had me in mild hysterics. I cannot even explain how devastated I'll be if this ship sinks (which I know that it probably will but my optimistic delusions let me sleep at night). Consequently, I've been inspired to write more Raphril! Huzzah! This one is set in 2k12 (so obvious spoilers), but I will continue to write in 2k14 as well! Elephant in the Room is one! Also Dirty Laundry Part 2 anyone?**

**As always I do not own TMNT. This is obvious because if I did this ship would already have sailed and all those missing Raphril scenes would not have been deleted from the 2k14 movie. Also I wouldn't have to worry about what I'm going to eat for dinner because I'd have a personal chef. Just saying.**

**And so on with the show!**

Struggle

The spring was finally here to stay. At long last they would awaken to shining dew instead of glistening frost. The horrible winter that saw them flee their urban home was now a dull memory. It still ached, but the season's green comfort gave them new hope.

Initially Raphael had hated the farmhouse. Every moment he was in that shack would remind him of their failure and what they had lost. He felt the long abandoned farmhouse mocked him, but really it reflected the emptiness of his own heart. Even worse, it reminded him of his own longing that he had so desperately denied. As the weeks went by, the party began to recover; Raphael could no longer ignore the changes.

At first, he thought it was his grief-roasted mind playing tricks on him. Those brief moments when their hands touched, when he caught her eye, or when she gave him that sweet smile – were his imagination. He tried to banish his treacherous thoughts, but then she started to seek him out alone. It would be just the two of them. Him and April. April and him. Unsurprisingly, the seed of hope was planted.

Gradually, her gestures lost their subtlety. He knew he had caught her running those blue eyes over his body. A strong blush would always follow and yet despite her red-cheeked reaction, it was not a lone occurrence. Instead it happened at least every day and sometimes more. Even worse, the turtle began to eagerly anticipate her eyes wandering over his muscles and shell. When he discovered he was subconsciously flexing he gave himself a stern mental berating and determined that no future slip-ups would occur.

Too bad self-discipline wasn't exactly his forte.

Raphael found his resolve crumbling when he felt those soft hands tie his mask around his face. His brothers assumed his blush stemmed from humiliation over becoming a flower. They were wrong. Raphael would have been willing to transform into a rosebush a thousand times if it meant he could relive that one moment when all he saw was the sun.

Raphael thought he could reject his long-growing feelings. That he could simply stamp them out with his anger or his sarcasm. For a fleeting instant, he even thought he had won. Then Donatello presented April with that damn music box and Raphael's delusional world came crashing down. When April literally fled from his brother's gesture and Raphael felt that jolt of glee at his brother's rejection, Raphael knew he was losing.

Donatello had thought Raphael's resulting words were his big brother's attempt to bring him back to reality. However, Raphael said those words to Donatello as much as he did himself. He was a giant talking turtle and nothing would ever change that. This did little to comfort either mutant. So a frantic Raphael jumped to Plan B: training. He figured if he could just focus solely on becoming a better ninja and rescuing New York his April problem would vanish in its insignificance.

Or so he thought.

When Raphael spied April kissing Donatello by the wood pile, he knew he was doomed. He had not felt such fury since they first left the city. It had been a struggle to overcome his rage so that he could be strong for his family – strong for Leonardo – yet he had done it. His anger was still there, but for a while he was free of it threatening to consume him. Now, Raphael could not even look at Donatello without feeling a stab of hatred in his gut, and he wished more than anything he could get rid of it.

But he couldn't.

So instead, he started to venture off alone more and more in a last ditch attempt to make things right. Yet, no matter where he went, somehow April always managed to find him. Her presence alone made him question why he ever left the house, her company, in the first place. Even worse, April had not been fazed by his aloofness. If anything it encouraged her further. Even if Casey hadn't mentioned April trying to awaken him while the vigilante smacked Donatello, Raphael would have known how close she had been. The Dream Beavers' departure left Raphael all too aware of the strong smell of her perfume. The second he was alone, the turtle had his red mask off and thoroughly sniffed it. He knew from the scent that she had been touching his face and he had a strong suspicion it hadn't resulted from a face smack. That traitorous part of him even dared to dream that perhaps it had been from a gentle caress of concern. Then he remembered April kissing Donatello upon his waking and Raphael promptly pounded said part of him to a pulp.

Or so he pretended.

Raphael's mood only continued to dampen as he observed Casey and Donatello's childish feud over April. It was a sick love triangle that left his best friend and brother looking like idiots. Not only that, but Raphael hated them treating April as some kind of prize to be won. A mere trophy on who could prove himself to be the bigger lovesick moron. Raphael found himself punching a tree when he realized he was little better. Raphael knew deep down, he just as desperately wanted to win her, but swore he would never compete. He saw how much Donatello loved April. Donatello was his brother. Donatello was family. Raphael could never make a move on April. Besides, Raphael felt so strong towards April that he would rather keep her as a friend than lose her because he admitted his feelings. It hurt, but Raphael continued to remind himself that he was a giant talking turtle.

And she would never love him back.

That's why Raphael felt his heart stop as he watched his best friend and brother hug out their new found bromance when a warm arm snaked around his neck. Suddenly, under the stars with her so close to him, Raphael felt that starved seed of hope erupt through his chest. Maybe just maybe someone like her could love someone like him. As he shifted his eyes to meet hers, he saw a reflection of his thoughts in their depths. Raphael found himself abandoning his restraints. Maybe just maybe she was wondering if someone like him could love someone like her. Maybe all along she had been filled with just as much doubt as him.

What he did now could not be undone; there would be no turning back.

Raphael had never been as scared as he was at that moment when he finally allowed a tiny smile creep across his mouth. He still kept his arms folded, but he loosened them just enough. Her tiny hand felt oddly comforting despite being engulfed by his large green one. April responded by giving his shoulder a flutter of a squeeze. Their eyes were still locked and so he saw hers sparkle when he returned the gentle gesture to her delicate hand.

All too soon they ripped apart when Casey and Donatello parted. Leonardo and Michelangelo said nothing. They were unaware of the magnitude of the moment that occurred mere feet from their position. Raphael knew from their commentary on the drive back to the farmhouse these two brothers had been far too interested in affectionate display of "Casatello" as Michelangelo dubbed it.

Raphael felt a mixture of feelings from the evening's adventures. Part of him was relieved that his best friend and brother had finally developed some kinship and were no longer fighting over April. Yet, Raphael was also disappointed and even a little jealous that his bond with Casey seemed to have dissolved. Of course they were still friends, but their relationship was no longer what it once was. However, those feelings paled when compared to the ecstasy, fear, and other unnameable emotions that flourished on what had just transpired between him and April.

Raphael had no idea what the future held. The Kraang still had New York City. The Shredder still had his power. Their absent family members were either mutated, missing, or worse. He and the others still had some very deep wounds, some of which he worried would never heal. When they did finally return they would face the battle of their lives. The odds were grim, but he knew they were more than enough. Raphael had faced worse odds, and won. April's arm around him that night was all the proof he would ever need.


End file.
